A New Baby doesn't mean always mean 1st baby... How adding a new baby to your family can affect your other children. This article comes from med.umich.edu and has a lot of great pointers on how to help your children adjust to new babies. In all of the excitement of a new baby sometimes our past babies can feel slighted or left out. I hope this article helps to prepare them for what is to come and to be expected once the new bundle of joy arrives. Much love, Bridget
New Baby Sibling
Helping Your Older Child
(or Children) Adjust
By: Kyla Boyse, R.N.
What do I need to know about adding a
new baby into our family?
Sibling rivalry usually starts right after,
(or even before) the arrival of the second child. The older child often becomes
aggressive, “acts out” or even regresses. Regression means acting
more like a baby—for example, by wanting a bottle, or peeing in their
pants. It’s important to prepare your older child when you know you are
expecting a new baby. Kids need to know what to expect, and they need
time to adjust. After your baby arrives, there are many things you can do
to make the adjustment easier.
Having a new baby in the family may be
one of the tougher things your older child has to deal with. However, it
may eventually be one of the greatest gifts you can give them.
How can I
prepare my child ahead of time for their new baby sibling?
Here are some
things you should do to help prepare your older child:
•
Tell your child about your pregnancy
when you tell your friends. Your child needs to hear about it from you,
not from someone else.
•
If you plan to move your child to a new
bed and/or bedroom, do so well before the baby arrives, so your older child
doesn’t feel displaced by the baby. This also goes for any other major
changes, like weaning, toilet training, and starting preschool or child care.
•
Check with your hospital about sibling
preparation classes and hospital tours.
•
Bring your child to prenatal visits so
they can meet your birth attendant.
•
Give them a realistic idea of what to
expect when the baby first arrives. You will be tired, and the baby will
take lots of your time. The baby will not be able to do much at first,
except eat, sleep, poop, pee and cry. The baby will not be a playmate.
•
Visit friends with a new baby, if
possible.
•
Read books about pregnancy, birth,
newborns, and baby siblings with your child (see below for some
suggestions). Give them a chance to ask questions, voice concerns, and
vent feelings inspired by the books.
•
Look at pictures/video of your older
child’s birth and babyhood. Tell them about their birth and what they
were like as a baby. Tell them how excited you were when they were born,
and how everyone wanted to see them and hold them.
•
Have your child practice holding a doll
and supporting the head. Teach them how to touch and hold a baby very
gently.
•
Let them participate in preparations in
any way possible. Give them choices, such as choosing the baby’s coming
home outfit from two acceptable options.
•
Should your child be present for the
baby’s birth? Many families have found this to be a very positive
experience, but it is not necessarily right for every family. If you do
decide to have your child at the birth, make sure you have an adult caregiver
whose only job is to be there for the child. Prepare your child
thoroughly, by watching videos of births with them, bringing them to midwife or
OB appointments, and talking with them about what it may be like. It may be
nice to give them a special, age-appropriate job, such as cutting the umbilical
cord or putting on the hat.
Why is it hard for an older child to
adjust to a new baby?
There are many things that can
contribute to a difficult adjustment:
•
Research indicates that a child’s
personality has the most effect on how they react to a new baby.
•
Children with the closest relationships
with their mothers show the most upset after the baby is born.
•
Children with a close relationship with
their father seem to adjust better.
•
Your child’s developmental stage may
affect how well they can share your attention. Often two-year-olds have
lots of trouble getting used to a new baby, because their needs for time and
closeness from their parents are still great.
•
Stress on the family can make your older
child’s adjustment harder.
To get a sense of how your older child
might feel about the addition of the new baby, imagine this:
Imagine that your partner puts an
arm around you and says, "Honey, I love you so much, and you're so
wonderful that I've decided to have another wife (or husband or partner) just
like you." When the new wife (or husband or partner) finally
arrives, you see that (s)he's very young and kind of cute. When the three of
you are out together, people say hello to you politely, but exclaim ecstatically
over the newcomer. "Isn't (s)he adorable! Hello sweetheart... You are
precious!" Then they turn to you and ask, "How do you like the new
wife (or husband or partner)?"
How can I help my child
adjust to the new baby once it’s here?
•
Set aside special time for your older
child. Each parent should spend some one-on-one with the older child
every day. It’s amazing how much even just 10 minutes of uninterrupted
one-on-one time can mean to your child (and help their behavior!). Let
your child choose the activity, and you follow their lead.
•
Listen—really listen—to how your child
feels about the baby and the changes in your family. If they express
negative feelings, acknowledge them. Help your child put their feelings
into words. Never deny or discount your child’s feelings.
•
Make sure it is very clear that
absolutely no hurting is allowed. Give your child other ways to express
bad or angry feelings they may have toward the baby. For example, they
could draw an angry picture of the baby, or act out their wishes with dolls, or
roar like a lion.
•
“Baby” your child, if that’s what they
seem to crave. This may help stave off regression in areas that are less
acceptable to you. There is a tendency to suddenly expect your child to
become more independent when you have a new baby. If you expect
less independence, you are more likely to get more!
•
Have the new baby and older child
exchange gifts.
•
Have some special “big brother” or “big
sister” gifts to give your child as friends and relatives start showing up with
baby gifts, so your older child won’t feel left out.
•
Remind visitors to pay attention to your
older child, and not just the baby.
•
Make sure the older child has some
special, private space, and things of their own that they don’t have to share
with the baby.
•
Give them special jobs that they can do
to help the family and help with the baby’s care (but don’t overdo it—take your
cue from your child on this).
•
Let them participate in the baby’s care—baths,
dressing, pushing the stroller, etc.
- Point out the benefits of being an older child, like choosing what to eat, being able to go the park and play, and having friends
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