Staying Calm with Your Kids
By: Victoria Samuel- Supernanny Expert
There’s
nothing more frustrating than a kid who’s out to wind you up. Avoid mom
meltdown with our stay-calm strategies…
Being
a parent is rewarding and enjoyable – but it can also be very stressful and
frustrating. Most of us feel wound up by our children’s behavior at times –
and occasionally we explode. So how can we stay cool in the heat of the moment?
Work out the why…
The
way you view your child’s behavior influences the effect it has on you.
Relating what she does to her developmental stage can help you see her behavior
in a less negative light.
•
It’s not deliberate Think your child is pressing those buttons on purpose? If you believe
your child is deliberately seeking to upset you, then her behavior is bound to
infuriate you. Let go of the idea that your baby or toddler is plotting to
drive you crazy – this kind of manipulation is developmentally impossible in
younger children, as it requires a child to be able to understand that
other people have beliefs and intentions different from their own. In
developmental psychology this is called ‘theory of mind’ and it’s a relatively
advanced type of thought process that doesn’t develop until a child is around 3
or 4 years of age.
•
Understand his impulses Try to view your toddler for what he is: a curious
little person enjoying his new ability to get mobile and explore the
fascinating world around him. Even if he’s causing havoc, remember that he
simply doesn’t understand that his actions affect other people. He hasn’t
developed self-control, so he’ll act on impulse.
•
Curb your reaction If you have an older child who you feel is deliberately winding you up,
try to look at why she may be doing it. Let’s face it: mom or dad flapping
around in panic or frustration is a funny sight to a young child – and if she
gets her own way at the end of it that’s even better. Perhaps she’s learnt that
pushing you to the edge is the fastest way to get what she wants! Throw her off
track by only paying attention to the positive behaviors you want to see more
of.
Dodge those bullets
If
you can reduce the chances of meltdowns, tension and conflict in the first
place there will be fewer chances of you reaching explosion point. Be aware
that children readily absorb the emotionally climate around them – so if you’re
wound up, so will they be.
•
Keep your stress a secret Use clear, brief, simple commands and keep your
tone polite, calm but firm. Children will pick up on any hints of stress,
wavering or anger in your voice and this may make them more agitated or more
persistent.
•
Avoid sarcasm when speaking to your child. In the short term these kinds of comments
will upset and provoke your child and in the long term they may cause a damaging
erosion of their self-esteem. Plus, pretty soon he’ll be sending it right back
atcha.
•
Coach yourself in complimenting Parents are often aware of the importance of
praising good behavior, but feel resentful about dishing out compliments to the
little terror who’s causing so much grief. Set yourself small goals – for
example, you could initially aim to praise your child for four instances of
good behavior a day, then gradually build on it. The more you praise, the more
good behaviour you’ll see.
•
Hammer out house rules Agree a set of house rules and consequences – write these
down and post them somewhere obvious. If you have a pre-agreed plan, your child
knows where she stands, and you’re less likely to react hastily in the heat of
moment.
•
Take me-time Set aside weekly relaxation time – this isn’t a luxury, it’s a
necessity. It could be a massage, a walk, listening to music or just a relaxing
bath. Set up a babysitting circle with a group of friends if you’re struggling
with childcare.
Snip that snap reaction
Reacting
in anger often leads to rash decisions and sometimes aggressive responses such
as shouting, smacking or hastily imposing extreme
discipline. The result: you’re left feeling guilty and your child is left
feeling upset and anxious. It’s fine to feel angry but it’s important to not
let it control you.
•
Tune into early warning signs that you’re getting annoyed such as your heart
racing, feeling shaky or getting sweaty. Whenever you notice those signs
kicking in, stop what you’re doing and try to look objectively at what has
wound you up – this will help you to feel more in control.
•
Avoid attacks State your feelings without attacking. Use ‘when’ and ‘then’: “When you
call me names I get upset.”
•
Don’t debate it Now is not a good time to get into a debate. Show willingness to
resolve things but just not now: “We can talk about this tomorrow over
breakfast, but right now I’m feeling too wound up.”
•
Take a time-out If your child is safe, remove yourself from the situation so you can
cool off. Take deep breaths in through your nose and out through your mouth,
trying to slow your breath as much as possible. Try clenching your hands tight
as you breathe in then releasing them as you breathe out. This will turn down
your body’s fight-flight response and makes you feel calmer.
•
Distract yourself If you can’t leave your child, use distraction techniques (counting,
reciting song lyrics or a poem in your head) to stop yourself from reacting
rashly. Use positive self-talk – say to yourself, “I’m doing the best I can” or
“Keep calm!”
•
Displace your anger with whatever works for you – vacuuming, singing along to a favourite
song, doing exercise. Some parents find it useful to keep a journal to jot down
how they feel after angry outbursts. This is a useful way to vent your emotion
and also may be helpful in revealing any recurrent patterns in you and your
child’s behaviors.
Seek
help If
you find you are regularly losing control of your anger and it feel like
nothing is helping, you may benefit from seeking some professional support and
advice.
Such sage advice found on Supernanny.com! How many times have you lost your composure and felt awful, guilty, angry at yourself afterwards. I hoping these tips can help out. Much Love, Bridget
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