Super Mom Syndrome...

10 Reasons Why You Need to Ditch the Super Mom Syndrome

By Peggy Porter

For any of you Moms out there that are doing it all, attempting to gain Super Mom status, let me give you my own personal opinion. It's not worth it!!!

The pursuit of the Super Mom is an endless search that will be of great cost to you in the end. Here are 10 reasons why you need to put an immediate halt to this pursuit.

# 1-There is no such thing as a Mom who can do everything perfect because as far as I am concerned, perfection comes at a very high price. Seemingly perfect to other people, is often not the way things really are for the perfectionist.

#2-The Super Mom Syndrome is literally killing women. Stress related diseases are on the rise and the demands that women place on themselves today directly contribute to the stress in their life. This stress is often all consuming.

#3-There are far too many roles in our life today. Trying to keep up with the different hats we wear on a daily basis is sometimes impossible. Feeling the need to be perfect in them all is exhausting.

#4-Our children miss out on some precious experiences with us that they can't get back. We are frequently so wrapped up in our to-do list that we forget to put the really important things on the list at all.

#5-It's exhausting!!! Having to do everything that you feel society expects of you, as a mother is overwhelming.

#6-It's no fun. How much fun has anyone really had attempting to do everything perfect???

#7-Your friends will like you more when you can laugh at your imperfections along with theirs.

#8-Your quality of life will immediately improve. When you make the decision to give yourself a break and do your own personal best instead of 100% perfect, a huge weight is lifted off your shoulders. Anxiety and depression can be an end result of unrealistic standards that you consistently place on yourself.

#9-The Super Mom never enjoys the moment. She is always multitasking and thinking of what needs to be done next. Life will pass you by before you know it.

#10-Continuing to admire women who can do it all will continue to place unrealistic demands on mothers to do it all. Let's start to admire the mothers who take time to nurture themselves. Let's admire the women who can enjoy the time with the kids at the playground and be really present when they are reading to their children. Let's toast the Moms who admit they can't do it all, all the time. Let's congratulate women on their honesty and ability to ask for help. Let's start to celebrate our imperfections instead of beating ourselves up over them. Let's stop judging each other and offer support instead.

We are not perfect creatures nor were we meant to be. So why are we trying to be??? Wouldn't Motherhood be a lot more fun if it didn't have to be perfect?

This article hit a nerve in me. I most definitely feel the need to be perfect and be able to handle everything on my own. I don't know if it's Super Mom Syndrome or OCD but I do find myself unable to loosen the reigns and allow help. I think that Ms. Porter made some really great points and made me reflect on how I am running myself into the ground trying to be the mom that is perfect. I hope that this article has opened the eyes of other moms who may feel the same as me. Much love, Bridget

Super Mom...

Why are mornings so difficult?

No matter how early I wake up, I always seem to be running behind! This morning I woke up at 5:30am because I knew I had a lot on my plate and wanted to get an early start (this is a full hour earlier than my normal wake up time) but what happens; I am still racing the clock to get to work.

I can't seem to find balance in my life... I feel like I am always playing catch up, but never actually catching up. I go to bed early so that I can wake up earlier to take care of things I didn't get to finish the night before because I wanted family time. This leaves me flustered in the morning because I am rushed to get stuff from the night before done, all while trying to get out the door on time.

 Do you find this same dilemma in you life? I will spend the rest of this week learning/researching how to achieve balance with work and family and how to make mornings run more smoothly.

Discovering the SUPER MOM...

Weekends

A weekend spent in pigtails is the best weekend of all. Birthday parties, boat rides and an afternoon on a bike. We had a very busy weekend and the best weekend in a long time!

It's Friday let's begin the Weekend!

A day on the lake!

Chocolate covered Strawberries are so yummy!

Let's end our perfect weekend with a bike ride through the park with my very best friend Pip!!

UnHeard... Part 4

The 4 Steps to Finding Your Voice

By: Stephen Covey

“One word expresses the pathway to greatness: voice. Those on this path find their voice and inspire others to find theirs. The rest never do.”

Stephen R. Covey
Key Message

The power to discover your voice lies in the potential that was bequeathed you at birth. Latent and undeveloped, the seeds of greatness were planted. You were given magnificent “birth-gifts”-talents, capacities, privileges, intelligences, opportunities-that would remain largely unopened except through your own decision and effort. Open these gifts. Learn what taps your talents and fuels your passion-that rises out of a great need in the world that you feel drawn by conscience to meet-therein lies your voice, your calling, your soul’s code.

Q: How do you define “voice”?

A: Voice is the overlapping of the four parts of our nature: our body, our mind, our heart, and our spirit. These also represent the four intelligences: our IQ for the mind, our EQ for the heart, our SQ for the spirit, and our PQ for the body.

To help you find this, answer these 4 question.

1. What are you good at? That’s your mind.

2. What do you love doing? That’s your heart.

3. What need can you serve? That’s the body.

4. And finally, what is life asking of you? What gives your life meaning and purpose? What do you feel like you should be doing? In short, what is your conscience directing you to do? That is your spirit.

People are internally motivated by their own four needs: to live, to love, to learn, to leave a legacy. When they overlap, you have voice-your calling, your soul’s code.

Q: Is finding your voice an evolving process, or can it happen all at once like a light bulb going on in your head?

A: I think that it can happen all at once, but more so, I think it is an evolving process. As people grow up, they are exposed to different fields of knowledge and different experiences. They don’t yet know what they’re good at or even what they will like doing. Once they have this exposure and education and they start getting involved, they start to find satisfaction, and that leads to success as it begins to give them a sense of their voice or what they really love doing that they do well. For some people, it does comes like a flash of light, but it is usually preceded by someone who really deeply believes in them-sees their strengths and affirms them when they don’t see their own potential themselves. This creates an opportunity for that voice to be developed and expressed. This happened with me.

Q: Is the process of finding your voice the same for an individual as it is for an organization that is trying to find its voice?

A: That’s a very interesting question and I think in a very real sense, it is the same. But because an organization is made up of many different individuals who have different voices and a different sense of what gives them meaning and their life purpose, it takes communication processes where people are genuine and authentic with each other in expressing what they really care about. However, people gradually get a sense of what the organization stands for, what it loves doing and does well, and what it feels like it should be doing. So, there is kind of a collective form of the four intelligences that overlaps and develops in an evolutionary way.

Q: How can we help someone find his or her voice?

A: I think if you care about people genuinely, you listen to them and observe them; because this is more than just hearing them speak, it is observing them-observing where their excitement is, where their enthusiasm is; observing where you sense they have potential. Sometimes it is very powerful just to say to them in sincerity, “I believe you have great potential in this area. I see real strengths in you that you may not see in yourself, and I would like to create an opportunity for you to use those strengths and to develop this potential. Would you be interested in that?” Most people are so flattered by someone who sincerely cares for them and affirms their work and potential that they are moved and inspired by that kind of input. It’s very powerful and it can make all of the difference, particularly with people who grow up with a confused lifestyle, bad modeling, and basic education. Often they have no clue as to what life is about or what they are about until someone becomes a teacher to them-a mentor, a confirmer, and a coach. This kind of mentoring is becoming increasingly important in education, in relationships, and in work environments. It can make all of the difference as to whether a person takes a higher road to his or her own voice or a lower road to where he or she is swallowed up by the priorities and voices of others.

Part 4 of my series is about you finding your own voice. I found this article on StephenCovey.com and thought this would be a great finish to my series... An important part of being Heard is to appreciate, love and be compelled by what your saying. If you have no true interest in what you are saying then no one else will either. This can be applied to the simplest of things; like getting the trashed taken out, if you don't  put any effort into asking for what you want or need, then no one will put effort into listening to what you are asking for. I hope that this 4 Part series has helped you as much as it has helped me. Much love, Bridget

UnHeard... Part 3

5 Ways to Talk so your Husband will Listen

By: Larry Case 

Do you ever feel that your partner doesn’t listen to you? It seems that every time you bring up a sensitive topic, like disciplining the kids, money, or sharing household chores, your conversation quickly deteriorates into a big fight. Or sometimes you don’t fight, because…you guys don’t talk! If you say anything, he just nods and promises, “Yes honey,” just to shut you up. But of course nothing changes, and if you remind him, he accuses you of nagging. There’s a way out of this mess. Here are tips on how to communicate in a way that will break through all that defensiveness and denial (your partner, and yours!)

1. Use the “I” language.

Sometimes it’s not what we say, but how we say it. Most of us lapse into language that can come across as critical: “You never help me with the housework,” or “You spoil the kids too much!” The other person then tries to justify what he does (“I’m busy with work! Who else will pay the bills?”) Or then launches his own string of grievances. “Oh yeah? Well I would help you; if you didn’t complain so much about the way I do things! Nothing is ever good enough for you.”

It’s human nature to recoil from criticism. So, choose your words carefully, focusing instead on how you feel or what you need. For example, you can start the conversation by saying, “I’m very tired and I’d like to have a little ‘quiet time’ in the evening. You know how demanding the kids can be.” This way you make your partner feel that you need him (and everyone likes to feel needed) and that you’re both on the same side, looking for a solution.

Or, if you’re affected by his behavior—like the way he stays out late with his friends—you can use the formula of “emotion = behavior = effect.” For example “I get really sad that you spend all your Friday nights with your college buddies, because I get insecure that you prefer their company over mine.” Basically, this approach lets him see your things from your perspective, but you’re not attacking him personally. “This is just the way I feel.”

2. Be specific about what you want.

Instead of saying, “I wish you’d help me more around the house,” you are going to get a better reaction if you just spell out what you really want. “Can you cook dinner three times a week?” or “I’d like to have Saturday mornings free to spend time with my friends.”

Why? When you’re specific about your needs, your partner knows that you’re not attacking his character—you’re just asking for a particular action. “I wish you’d help me more around the house” insinuates that he’s lazy or indifferent. It’s tantamount to saying, “You never help me.” But spelling out your needs keeps the discussion objective and neutral. You skip all the drama and go straight to solving the problem together.

3. Don’t bring up the past.

Stick to the issue. If you’re bothered by a comment he made (“I was really hurt when you made fun of my cooking”) then by all means talk about it. Just don’t let the conversation include all the other things he already apologized for, years ago. A relationship shouldn’t be a scorecard of all the wrongs and rights committed throughout its history. Think about it this way: you probably made a couple of boo-boos yourself. How would you feel if he brought those up again and again?

4. Don’t monopolize the conversation.

It’s also important to stop and allow the other person to talk, share his feelings, or air his own hurts. You may feel that you’re the aggrieved party, and deep inside the only words you want to hear from his mouth are “I’m sorry” or “I’ll do what you want.” But that’s not how a conversation or even how a relationship works. There’s give and take, and there’s shared responsibility. No problem is completely one person’s fault. There may be ways that you contributed to a situation, and there are certainly ways that you can improve it.

Remember, it’s not about being “wrong or right.” It’s about making a situation better. Listening to each other, and admitting your own weaknesses and resolving to help each other, will always create a win-win situation.

5. Show appreciation for your partner.

You’ve probably heard parenting experts say that it’s not enough to scold your child when he does something wrong; you also have to praise your child when he does something right. The same thing goes for dealing with your partner. Try to acknowledge what he’s already done, or at least his sincerity in changing. At the very least, you can thank him for hearing you out, and for spending time talking about something that matters to you. “I feel so much better being able to open up to you like this. I really appreciate it.” Or “You’re a really good provider and I know you work hard to give us a good life. I just want a little time to rest so I have more energy to be a good wife and mother, too.”

After the conversation, single out and show gratitude for anything that shows a positive change. “Thank you for washing the dishes tonight, honey!” or “Wow, that was a really great dinner. Thanks for making it.” We often obsess over what our partner does wrong, and take for granted what he does right. Part of healthy communication is loving appreciation. When your partner realizes that you see his effort and listen to his needs, then the next time you say, “Can we talk?” he’ll be more open to it.

Part 3 of UnHeard comes from o5.com... I think that there are several things that ring true in my life in this article and I hope that you have found it helpful also. Much love, Bridget

UnHeard... Part 2

But How Do I Get My Kid to LISTEN?!


By: Dr. Laura Markham

One of the most common questions I hear from parents is:   How can I get my kid to LISTEN to me? 

Kids have a lot on their minds, from the history test to the soccer tryouts to the newest computer game.  Not to mention that by the time they’re tweens they’re swamped with hormones, and checking themselves out in every mirror they pass.  Parents can be dismally low on their list.  Even toddlers are very busy, as long as they've been raised without technology so they know how to occupy themselves.  They simply have different priorities, and they don't understand at all why it is so important to take their bath right this minute!

Of course, the parents who ask me this aren't really talking about listening.  They're talking about how to get their child to take in what they say--and take action!  Here's how…



1. Don't start talking until you have your child's attention.  Connect BEFORE you start speaking.  That means you can't bark orders from across the room and expect to get through. 

Instead, move in close. Get down on your child's level and touch him lightly.  Observe what he's doing and connect with him by making a comment about it: "Wow, look at that train go!"  You aren't manipulating, you're acknowledging respect for his activities, too. 

Wait until he looks up.  Look him in the eye.  Then start talking.   If he doesn't look up, make sure you have his attention by asking "Can I tell you something?"  When he says yes, then start talking. 

(Don't be surprised when your child begins using this technique to get your attention before he tells you something.  And if you want him to keep listening, you'll need to listen back!)



2. Don't repeat yourself.  If you've asked once and not gotten a response, don't just repeat yourself.  You don't have your child's attention.  Go back to Step One, above.

3. Use fewer words.  Most of us dilute our message and lose our child's attention by using too many words.  Use as few words as possible when you give instructions.



4. See it from his point of view.  If you were busy with something you liked doing and your spouse ordered you to stop doing it and do something else that was not a priority to you, how would you feel?  Might you tune out your spouse?  Your child doesn't have to share your priorities, he just has to accommodate your needs.  And you don't have to share his priorities, but it will help immensely if you can acknowledge how much he wants to keep doing whatever he's doing. "I know it's hard to stop playing now, Honey.  But I need you to....."

5. Engage cooperation.   No one wants to listen to someone who's giving orders; in fact, it always stimulates resistance.  Think about how you feel when someone orders you around.  Instead, keep your tone warm and give choices.  "It's bath time, Sweetie.  Do you want to go now or in five minutes?  Ok, five minutes with no fuss?  Let's shake on it."

6. Stay calm. When we're emotional, kids get distracted by our emotion and go into fight or flight, blaming us or each other.  They become LESS effective at listening, and lose sight of our message.  If your priority is getting everyone in the car, don't waste time and energy lecturing them about why they didn't listen to you and get ready when you first asked.  That will just make everyone more upset, including you.  Take a deep breath, help her find her shoe and help him on with his backpack.  Once you're in the car, you can ask them to help you brainstorm ways to get out of the house on time.




7. Set up routines. Most of parents' communication to kids consists of nagging.  No wonder they don't listen.  The more routines you have, the less you have to be a drill sergeant.  What kinds of routines?  Habits, like what the kids do  before they leave the house (brush teeth, use toilet, pack backpack, put on shoes, etc.) If you take photos of your child doing these tasks and put them onto a small poster, your child will learn them over time.  She'll have  a new skill and your role will be limited to asking questions:  "What else do you have to do before you leave the house? Let's check your schedule."

8. Listen. If you stare at your computer screen or review your shopping list while your child tells you about his day, you're role modeling how communication is handled in your house.  If you really want your child to listen to you, listen to him.  Just stop what you're doing and listen.  It only takes a few minutes.  Do this when he's a preschooler and he'll still be willing to talk to you when he's a teenager.  You'll be so glad you did.

9. Watch for understanding.  Most of the time when kids don't "listen" they just haven't tuned in to us.  But if your child repeatedly seems unable to process your instructions, she may have an auditory processing disorder. Adopt the tips above and experiment with giving your child multi-step instructions.  If you're concerned, consult with your pediatrician for referral to an audiologist.

10. Pare down your orders to what's really non-negotiable.  If you worked for someone who constantly badgered you with orders, would you feel like cooperating?  You don't want every interaction with your child to be an order.  So maximize the loving, happy interactions, and minimize the orders.

I hope that Part 2 of my series UnHeard has shed some light on how to speak to your children and be heard. I found this article on Aha!Parenting.com and I think it has opened my eyes to several things I have been doing wrong when speaking to Rowyn.  Much love, Bridget

Unheard... Part 1

How to Talk so People Really Listen:

 4 Ways to Make Yourself Heard.  

By Tim Jarvis

Ever feel as if you're speaking with the mute button on? Here's how to get people to listen.

Didn't you explain how to hand-dry the sweater? What part of "trim" did the hair-hacking stylist not understand? And weren't you the one who first brought up the idea that just flew from your colleague's lips and is now "the most genius thing" your boss has ever heard?

Some people, it seems, could command attention while reciting a list of fertilizer chemicals; others are ignored no matter what they have to say. "There's a whole skill set involved in being heard," says John Gray, PhD, author of Why Mars and Venus Collide. It all starts with noticing how others are reacting to you. A few talking points:

1. When you're trying to be helpful, do others avoid making eye contact with you? Do they interrupt or show little interest in your point of view? You may be coming across as a know-it-all, or your advice could sound like criticism, Gray says. Eventually people may stop listening to your ideas altogether. Next time you have a suggestion, try asking, "Would you like to know what I think?" Or "I have a different perspective—would you like to hear it?"

2. While you're talking, do people check their BlackBerries or make you feel like you're wasting their time? Tony Alessandra, PhD, author of Charisma: Seven Keys to Developing the Magnetism that Leads to Success, says you may be losing your audience due to a discrepancy in communication styles. "Some people respond to emotion and storytelling, while others need you to get to the point," he explains. Note how fast the other person speaks and try to match his speed: If you talk too slowly to a fast-paced communicator, his mind may wander; if you talk too rapidly to a slower-paced person, he may feel flustered and tune out.

3. Do friends drift off while you're pouring your heart out? According to Gray, many women like to commiserate—talking about problems not in order to fix them but simply to share them as a way to reduce stress. But some people—particularly men—hear such talk as a burdensome request for help. "Let your friend or coworker know that you just want to vent for a few minutes about what's going on," Gray advises, "and tell him that he doesn't have to say or do anything about it. That releases him from assuming that he must offer a solution."

4. No matter what, you can't go wrong by showing interest in what other people say and making them feel important. In other words, the better you listen, the more you'll be listened to.

I hope that Part 1 has helped you to begin being Heard. I found this article on Oprah.com and felt that it was a great beginning to learning to be heard.  I will continue my series of being Unheard all Week... Enjoy your day and try to add these tips to your conversations today. Much love, Bridget